Jesus: I guess they might be upset about that. That’s harsh.
Peter: Well, they’re not exactly upset about the gay kids killing themselves part. They’re upset because the writer said they’re polishing their halos.
Jesus: Well, there is plenty of that. Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven. (Matthew 6:1) That one gets overlooked a lot.
Peter: But the writer is defending GAY people. He seems to think they can be gay and still follow you if they want to.
Jesus: I’m getting old. When did I say gay people couldn’t follow me?
Peter: You didn’t say anything specifically, but it’s in the Old Testament. And Paul wrote about it.
Jesus: Right. Don’t get me started on Paul. He probably wrote that right after he said that women can’t teach in church. Anyway, these people who are upset are living up to all of the commandments, from both testaments?
Peter: Well, not the ones that don’t make sense. They know which ones apply and which ones don’t.
Jesus: OK. Well, let him who is without sin be the first to throw a stone. (John 8:7)
Peter: You know perfectly well that being gay is a worse sin than just about anything else. We talk about this all the time.
Jesus: Well, some do.
Peter: Listen. You have to give your people something here. Can you smite this Moss Island guy?
Jesus: You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell. (Matthew 5:21-22)
Peter: Listen, Christians aren’t murdering anyone except the people who have it coming to them. And they’re not angry – they’re HURT because the government isn’t standing up for their rights as Christians. I mean, the government is letting gay people get married all the time now, and businesses aren’t protected in their free exercise of faith like they used to be. If we’re not careful, we’re going to have another 13th amendment on our hands.
Jesus: Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. (Matthew 5:11-12)
Peter: Lord, these people put a lot of money in the collection plate every week. Shouldn’t they get something for that?
Jesus: Besides their tax deduction, you mean? Listen – it is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners. (Mark 2:17)
Peter: And they ARE calling the sinners. They just want them to stop sinning before they come to church. And put on some nice clothes. Is that too much to ask?
Jesus: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. (John 13:34) All who draw the sword will die by the sword. (Matthew 26:52) And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? (Matthew 5:47) Let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven. (Matthew 5:16) I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. (Matthew 5:44)
Peter: I can’t talk to you when you’re like this. You know perfectly well you’re taking those verses out of context. What about, “at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” (Matthew 19:4-6) What about that one, huh?
Jesus: Right. “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.” (Mark 10:11-12)
Peter: Theologians have figured out you didn’t really mean it like that. You know if we get rid of divorce it will devastate the legal profession – some of our biggest donors.
Jesus: I give up. Looks like you’ve got this all figured out. I’m gonna check out this guy’s blog.
Peter: Before you go, we gotta talk about the Boy Scouts. Now they’re thinking about letting in gay leaders.
Jesus: Hey look – cute cat videos!