“Above all, this merger will benefit you, our customers.”
– Robert D. Marcus, Chairman and Chief Executive Officer of Time Warner Cable, on his company’s impending merger with Comcast

The following is excerpted from the discussion that presumably took place in deliberations between the two companies.

Marcus: I’m sorry, Comcast. I just can’t agree to a merger unless our customers are well taken care of. Will their service improve? Will their rates go down? God as my witness, they should.

Comcast: You will become a very rich man.

Marcus: Of course that’s nice – it will help my charitable enterprises in Africa and with at-risk youth in the U.S. But dammit, what about the customers?

Comcast: Why be stubborn, Marcus? It’s not like they’ll have a choice or anything.

Marcus: It doesn’t have to be that way! Our customers are the heart and soul of everything we do! They are the reason we’re in bus– haha, ahhhhhahahahahahaha, OK, sorry. Yeah, uh, where were we?

Comcast: Hee hee, phew! You had us going for a minute there. Seriously, where do you come up with that crap?

Marcus: Years of experience, boys. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.